Someone recently told me they are sick of the self-help gurus that perpetuate the need to grow, change, and constantly evolve into a higher version of themselves. Why do THEY always have to be the one to do the changing and adapting? Why can’t their ex’s do some soul-searching and examine their own destructive patterns?
If this resonates with you, I have good news. To close the books on the pressure for personal growth, there are two basic attitudes to consider.
How you deal with your attitude regarding DEMAND and DESIRE will shift your trajectory dramatically.
A attitude of demandingness can be likened to that of a requirement. You require a certain standard of behavior of others. When you cultivate an attitude of demandingness towards others, you can stop the need for growth and change within yourself by requiring (demanding) others to be responsible for your personal happiness and well-being. In doing so, this removes your own empowerment and instead empowers others to be responsible for your personal growth and fulfillment. A great example is, “If you weren’t so mean to me, I would be a much happier person.” When you develop the art of blaming others, you empower them to bear the responsibility for your inner happiness and lack of change. Consequently, your reason for not trying and giving up has now been legitimized. By not taking control and responsibility of your feelings and allowing outside forces to control how you feel will give you a free pass to behave less than stellar.
In contrast, an attitude of desire can be likened to that of a request. You request a certain standard of behavior of yourself. When you cultivate an attitude of request towards yourself, you can stop the need for growth and change within yourself by merely desiring things be different. The way you present this to the world is, “I hope things will get better,” or “I wish things would be different.” This way you come off with all the good intentions without really having to do anything about it. And, the bonus is, that you get lots of sympathy and attention. The people around you say things like, “Oh that poor gal, she has such a good heart and has a desire for everything to be alright.” You get to portray yourself as the helpless victim and all the enablers will come out of the woodwork to do things for you.
I will warn you, some of the radicals will reverse the order and cultivate an attitude of demandingness and require more of themselves and who they are at a core level. On this flip side, they will cultivate an attitude of desire when it comes to the behavior of others. They desire or wish their ex or others would behave better, but they take on the mindset that they can’t control others; only themselves. They make a conscious choice to be happy and don’t allow the crazy behavior of others, whom they can’t control, to control their own behavior.
So, stay away from these folks if you don’t want to grow, change and evolve into the best version of yourself. Or do you?
Shan specializes in helping women thrive after divorce, as opposed to merely surviving.
She is a certified life coach from the official Tony Robbins School: Robbins-Madanes Coaching Training.
Sign up for a complimentary “Divorce Recovery Strategy Session” at: